Forever Love
by CloZack PASSION
Summary: First of my 15-story Shuffle Challenge. Zack/Cloud with Angeal/Zack hinted. T for language


Shuffle Theme- Forever Love

Let's get the hardest of all out of the way first, okay?

_Ah, will you stay with me_

_As long as the wind blows?_

_I don't want anyone else by my side_

"Don't leave me."

I have to say the words to the sword. I didn't have my voice when I needed it the most, and now you're gone. I can still feel the gloved hand in my hair, see that smile before you ran into battle. Your last battle, and because of me. The image is still fresh in my mind of the aftermath. I lay, helpless and worthless, until it was all done. I couldn't make myself move until it didn't matter any more and you were all but gone. God, it would've been easier if I could've stayed stuck in my mind that way. If you wouldn't have held on until I'd woken up.

Damn you, Zack. What was your idea with all this? Leaving me alone with the burden to live your life. Your pride and your dreams and everything that you had and wanted. Don't you get it? I don't want any of that. Keep them. They're yours. Why couldn't you understand I only wanted one thing? Damn it all, Zack, why couldn't I just have you?

It's all rust and cracks, now. Your pride, right? Isn't that what this sword was supposed to symbolize? I couldn't keep it. I couldn't hold myself the way that you always did, and it's reflected pretty damn perfectly right there. I hope you know that I tried, though. I hope you know I gave it my all and failed all the same... I just hope you know I tried.

Sitting here, right where I saw you last, where I left you to die, it's almost funny. I never could have said these things to you back then. I never could have told you that you broke my heart every time you looked right past me. I couldn't have explained that I didn't care about making it into SOLDIER so I could be strong, and it didn't bother me if I became a monster. No. When I knew you could hear it, I could never tell you that I loved you. It's a lot easier to say something like that when there's nobody there to reject it.

How can I explain that I didn't want to be you? You were my hero...you are, but I had no aspirations to become you. No. I wanted to be _him_. I would have killed to be the SOLDIER they all said you loved more than anything. The one who gave you your pride and your dreams, and this damn sword to carry along with them. That's who I wanted to be. Angel or monster or SOLDIER or human or whatever he was or whatever difference there is between them, I want to be him. Because you love him.

Even in Nibelheim, when we lay together, I wonder if you even remembered my name. If any name was in your mind but his. We were so close, and I'd never felt so comfortably warm. Close enough our skin touched and I could hear little sleep sounds in your throat and your heart beating in your chest. I could never forget it... you probably never thought of it again once the night was through.

I wonder why it means so much to me. Why you mean so much to me. I ask myself why I still come out here every day and sit with you. Not with you, but I can pretend as much at least. I wonder why I trick myself into thinking you cared. Then I wonder why I do you the disservice of saying there was no way you could. Strong and sweet and loving and kind...was it even possible for you to hate?

The thing that scares me the most, isn't that you didn't love me. I know that to be true. It's not that you hated me, because you were kind enough to show that couldn't be the case. The thing that scares me the most is that you felt nothing at all. That I was the same nothing then that I've become now.

I never wanted to leave.

I wish I could make you see how hard I tried, just for you, Spikes. I didn't want to die there, but that doesn't mean I regret doing it. There's a lot of things I wanna tell you. I try to say it every time you're there, even though I know you can't hear me. I wish I could say all this to you, because I don't want you to hurt any more. Not for me. Not for anyone.

You always had that one-track mind, didn't you? Black or white with no gray between. I guess I was the same way for a long time, but it's no way for a person to live. It doesn't always have to be one or the other, Spikes. I don't care what anyone says. You can have it both ways. You don't have to live to love only one person.

Angeal was my mentor and my friend, someone who I can never dispose of my feelings for. I would never try. He taught me so much. I wish you could understand that without him, I wouldn't have been the man you say you're so in love with. He helped make me, well, me. Not that it's what you want to hear. I can't change the facts, though, and even if I wanna see you smile, I can't lie just for that expression.

I loved you, Cloud. I wish I was able to tell you. I wish I could've had the chance to say it before I went. I loved the strange, quirky things you liked to do. I loved to watch you train, with that adorably determined expression and I loved to hear you talk about all the nonsense you liked to go on about. I loved to hear you talk about things that mattered, too.

I loved the night I spent with you in my arms. I loved to feel you so close and imagine what it would be like if that could be every night. I loved that you kept trying to get closer, even when we were already clinging to eachother, and I loved that it felt, for that moment, like you loved me.

I hate it all, too, though. I hate that every time I looked at you, I saw all the things I wanted to do to you, none of which I can even bring myself to say here. I hate that even when we lay together, I wanted to touch you more, in ways that would have left no doubt in your mind. I hate that there were times when I thought I could live with just that, even if you hated me for it all in the end.

I'm sorry, Cloud. More than telling you that I love you, or that I wish everything would have turned out perfect, I want to apologize. The burden I gave you was never meant to be one. When I looked at you, I saw a boy without dreams or a purpose or a reason to live. We'd gone too far for me to go, knowing that you'd die right on those cliffs alongside me.

I can't apologize for giving you what I did, whether you appreciate it or not, I can only apologize that I wasn't there to help you sort it all out. I'm sorry that I couldn't have been at your side when you learned all that had happened, and when you had to deal with the consequences. I'm sorry that I couldn't have protected you longer.

I'm sorry that I can't be by your side now, when you want me most. I just... I hope you know that I'd be there if I could.

I'm sorry I was strong enough to die for you, but not enough to live.

Geez, Spikes. You see what you do to me? If anything gives you a hint, it should be that I sound like you now! But...you can't hear me. Even if I can get through, you'll brush it away as a dream or your imagination. Damn, kid, just listen for once, okay? And remember...

I love you.


End file.
